and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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