Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
