The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
