Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
