Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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