There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
