and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
