highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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