remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
