final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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