Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
this is an emotional support booty call
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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