If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
