guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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