i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
