So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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