She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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