She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
