Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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