I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
