Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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