remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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