Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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