I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
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he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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