omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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