the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
