That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Drunk is not a location!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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