Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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