Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
