Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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