Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
