I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
