so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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