I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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