Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
