life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
