I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
