Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
