i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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