John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
