how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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