Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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