paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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