I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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