yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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