I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
