Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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