i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
