she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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