Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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