if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
