I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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