I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
