In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
