i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
