there was a trapeze. enough said
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
