There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
