Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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