I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
