wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
